Elizabeth Lawrence, Copyright 1996
A man, Miklos, wheels a covered body into a lab. He uncovers the body (whose, um, er, physique (yeah, that's it) looks *very* familiar), and attaches electrodes to it. After playing a bit more with electrical stuff, Miklos and the woman hid in the next room and watch. The body starts twitching and finally sits up. Guess what, it's Jim. The woman returns and introduces herself as Dr. Faustina. She tells Jim that he's been sick, and to repay her for taking care of him, he has to be at the Federal Government Building at exactly 10 p.m. to deliver a message to some US Cabinet members. Meanwhile, at a Chinese restaurant somewhere, Artie bumps into an old girlfriend, Lily Fortune, and her mother. He invites Lily back to the train and offers her a lift to New Orleans. She tells him she's an actress and he suggests they "practice" a scene from _Romeo and Juliet._ (WENCHes will please refrain from giggling while the CoA pick themselves up off the floor.) Back in New Orleans, after a few mishaps, Jim makes it to the Cabinet meeting, where he blows up.
Henrietta interrupts yet another practice session with a message from the President to go to New Orleans. Once they get there, Blackbeard the Pirate interrupts a hand-holding session (is anyone else getting cavities from these two?), rips open Artie's left sleeve and takes him back to the train, leaving Mrs. Fortune with his dessert (and no, I don't mean Lily). At the train, Blackbeard tells Artie that Jim blew up the Cabinet and asks him why. Artie, of course, refuses to believe it. At Dr. Faustina's castle, Miklos brings her a present -- the body of a hanged murderer. During a masquerade ball, three musketeers try to make off (and out) with Lily. Artie fights them off and gets into a sword fight with Aramis. Artie, of course, wins. Aramis tells him about a carriage a few streets over. Artie grabs Lily and heads for the carriage, which turns out to be driven by Miklos. And "Lily" turns out to be Dr. Faustina in disguise.
While strapped to a gurney, Artie holds his breath for Dr. Faustina to make a mask of his face. Miklos interrupts her with a letter from the President. In the letter, Grant not only rejects her ideas, but suggests that she's a lunatic. Dr. Faustina decides to use Artie to blow him up. Artie? Oh yeah, he's the guy who's breathing's been cut off. Fortunately, she remembers in time to save him from suffocation to death. (I'll pause while the CoA breaths a sigh of relief.) Using time-honored techniques known to expensive college girls everywhere, Lily breaks into the train with her mother and searches for Artie. They find a strange man in the parlor, who introduces himself as Lyle Peters, who by the way, turns out to be Blackbeard undisguised. Mrs. Fortune immediately starts acting coquetishly. (Egads, it runs in the family!) Miklos prepares the lab for an experiment. A man carrying a dinner tray is knocked out entering a cell. His keys are taken by a man with the most fabulous backside in eternity who releases Artie. (The most wondrous backside belongs to Jim, in case you can't guess.)
Jim and Artie reach the lab in time to see a reenactment of the teaser, only with Artie in the starring role instead of Jim. Upon hearing Dr. Faustina's plan to blow up the President, they rush in to stop her, destroying the lab in the process. Unfortunately, the fake Artie gets away and makes to New Orleans where he's found by a very worried Lily. He dumps Lily and throws Mrs. Fortune over a chair. He finds Mr. Peters, who shows him to the same government building that was blown up by Jim. Mr. Peters goes inside to get clearance for "Artie." Jim and the real Artie drive up in a coach, grab "Artie" and drag him offstage to blow up. And the curtain closes on another episode.
No wait, it's only the curtain to Lily's play. Jim and Artie visit Lily's dressing room to congragulate her and to hand her a note saying Mrs. Fortune's eloped with Mr. Peters. And speaking of elopements, Artie wants to tell Lily something only he's a bit tongue-tied for a change. So Jim proposes for him. Lily, being a smart girl, turns him down. (She must have read the rule that says all fiancees must be dead by the end of the episode.)
And the ratings are:
Artie disguises: zero stars Jim fights: five stars Sword fights: five stars Shirtlessness: zero stars Kissing: seven stars Explosions: four stars Total: twenty-one stars
Miklos
Lily
Your name is Artemus Gordon
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| I wouldn't know if I were kissing you or some bomb |